I'm sitting here at work, enjoying my last 45 minutes peacefully with some music playing the background. Paul has promised me I won't have to finish the 9 page memo revisions tonight, but we'll see if he actually means it as the minutes tick by.
My blogging has been infrequent lately, as has been my patience. My sweet, sweet son has entered the terrible twos and I am, for the first time, being tested as a parent.
Sam is a kind soul. He is joyful and happy and beautiful, so much so that you can't help but soak that in when he's near you. He makes you feel good. He's like the sun. The only struggle we've really ever had with him was nursing. But we persevered and it became old hat soon enough.
So now here we are, trying to figure out where our sweet Sam has gone. In his place there is a demanding, tantruming, frustrated, angry, quick tempered two and a half year old boy who whines and cries most of the day away. Okay, I'm exaggerating a bit, of course. It's not so awful - it's not all day long. Well, some days it's all day long, but usually it's just sporadic. But even sporadic is a lot to handle.
I understand the reasons for the terrible twos, especially language/communication frustration and testing us for boundaries, and I remind myself of that each time he points and barks an order, or melts in a heap on the floor over absolutely nothing or, dare I admit, hits us or his sister.
I've read books and articles and talked to friends and family about how to handle tantrums, and we have been consistent with our loving, logical, somewhat strict parenting methods, which have worked well. But I must say, it's hard to be a good parent. It's down and dirty work. It's worth it, of course, and so rewarding in those little moments or big moments when your kids just make your heart swell. But it can also be exhausting and upsetting sometimes.
Why don't we talk about that part more openly? Because while much of being a mother is an amazing, fulfilling, precious thing; it's not all sunshine and rainbows. It can sometimes be a dark, isolating, frightening place.
Believe me, I know I'm blessed - I have a healthy family who I adore and who adore me. I am honestly grateful for that every day. And I'm fully aware that this is just a phase Sam is going through, that it's something we all went through in one form or another. And I couldn't love him more, even when he's acting like a tyrant. But I'm just saying - it's tough.