Confused, Praying, Writing and Urine-Soaked

Sorry for my absence.  I'm certain that the three of you who read my blog must have been pining away for a post from me...well wait no longer.

I've attempted several posts this month but have had a difficult time organizing my thoughts.  While a cluttered mind is nothing new for me (especially during the summer months when I tend to get restless and crazy), I've added a few new burdens to clutter it further. 

One being that my church band has been disbanded.   

The circumstances under which this disbandment occurred are awkward and disappointing and sudden and impossible for me to understand.  And the result is that I'm sad and confused and pissed and even more confused.  The church wants all of us band members to continue on under a new band leader, but none of us quite know what that means or how to feel or what to do.  So we're all praying and talking and trying to figure things out. 

I've seen my bandmates socially several times since everything went down...Jamie, Greg, Mike, JT, Josh.  We've talked and laughed and vented and taken in some awesome local music together, still no closer to answers but comforted just by being with each other.  I adore these people.  I miss these people.  I miss making music with these people and being a part of something with these people. 

God's plan is eluding me on this one.  This all occurred out of decisions and actions that were not God-like, so maybe this wasn't God's plan.  Maybe that's why it's been so hard for any of us to figure out.  I don't know.  I need to keep praying to see the light here because for now, I'm waiting it out in the dark.  And I don't like that. 

The second thing adding to the chaos in my head is my writing. 

Writing is as cathartic as it is oppressive.   But as I get older I'm finding out it is something I need.  So I'm making time for it whenever I can.  I have no aspirations of publication or greatness.  I'm simply trying, as a friend of mine recently suggested, to take pleasure in the fact that I'm playing with the words. 

The third mess in my mind has also been a mess on my floors and a burden on my laundry...potty training Lena. 

It's about our sixth attempt, but she's doing so well this time.  And Sam is a huge helper, cheering her on, turning on the bathroom light for her.  They are the best kids, honestly.   

So that's me this month: confused, praying, writing and urine-soaked.

Frustration and Fear

I've been writing a book for about a year or so.  Several books to be honest, but one in particular.

These great ideas for characters and scenes come spilling out of me with words which, when I read back over them in places, I barely remember writing.  Some of the passages are good.  Very good. 

Most of it's babbling nonsense, stream of consciousness, disconnected and shallow.  It lacks depth, heart, work and devotion.  I write of my dreams, my fantasies as if this novel were a journal of the me I began imagining in my youth.  Struggling with a real story, a path for these poor characters to take one way or another, I just stop writing for a time.  I shrug it off as a simple, unimportant flight of fancy of a mother and wife and secretary who so desperately wishes to share something meaningful, or at the very least provide an escape for others like me. 

But it's always there waiting.  The words on the pages anticipate that I can mold them into something of substance.  And I'm letting them down.  I'm letting myself down. 

The question begs, then, if this is something that I really want to do, why aren't I doing it?

Time.  Fear.  Education. 

When does a mother of two toddlers, a wife of a deserving husband, a secretary, a friend, a daughter, an aunt, a back-up singer, a Christian, a woman who is blessed with so many cherished relationships that are so worthy of her time and energy; when does that woman have time to devote to something as selfish and consuming as writing a book?  I already have precious little time, most of which is spent with people I love doing significant things I care deeply for.  I write when I can.  But merely fitting it in here and there is not enough.  It's suffering because of it.  But better my relationships suffer for my book? 

Rich suggested a smart compromise where I wouldn't have to take time from anyone but myself, but then fear comes in.  Were I to make the time, would I fare any better?  Maybe I'm just an essay writer.  Maybe that's as far as this gift goes.  I'm afraid of revealing that.  By not giving this book the air it needs to really catch fire, there's no possibility that I might fail miserably and be forced to live with my mediocrity.  By not trying, at least I still have hope.

Beyond my beloved English/literature classes in high school, I have no education to write.  While my college education in criminal justice/criminal law has served me well thus far (note a hint of sarcasm), I'm still at a loss to fulfill my dream shared my millions - to write a novel that doesn't suck.  It's no wonder I cannot figure out a plot, create a compelling storyline, organize the thoughts that bounce around in my head or control how they come out on paper.  I don't know how.  There are books on the subject, a couple of which I've read, but they pale in comparison to a good teacher.  The chance I had in college to cast aside my fear and actually grow (see My Life as a Penguin, if you are so inclined) was wasted.  And to take a class now, well, that would take more time, now wouldn't it?

Whining...I know I'm whining. 

I am blessed.  If I can't give air to but one of my passions when I am living out so many others, then that's fine.  I'm almost embarrassed to post this when there is so much suffering and hate and ugliness in so many people's lives.  Who am I to complain about one tiny aspect of an otherwise truly blessed life?  I am grateful for everything I am and have, for everyone I love and who loves me.  I genuinely am.         

But here's the thing.  I don't want to teach my kids to fear or apologize for their passions (unless they are really twisted, in which case we'll have to involve a therapist).  I want them to live as boldly, compassionately, faithfully and grandly as the greatest expanse of their minds and hearts allow.  Whether that be lives filled with monumental dreams or simple ones, I want them to believe that those dreams are attainable.  But at what expense do I teach that lesson?