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Jul 30, 2012

Confused, Praying, Writing and Urine-Soaked

Sorry for my absence.  I'm certain that the three of you who read my blog must have been pining away for a post from me...well wait no longer.

I've attempted several posts this month but have had a difficult time organizing my thoughts.  While a cluttered mind is nothing new for me (especially during the summer months when I tend to get restless and crazy), I've added a few new burdens to clutter it further. 

One being that my church band has been disbanded.   

The circumstances under which this disbandment occurred are awkward and disappointing and sudden and impossible for me to understand.  And the result is that I'm sad and confused and pissed and even more confused.  The church wants all of us band members to continue on under a new band leader, but none of us quite know what that means or how to feel or what to do.  So we're all praying and talking and trying to figure things out. 

I've seen my bandmates socially several times since everything went down...Jamie, Greg, Mike, JT, Josh.  We've talked and laughed and vented and taken in some awesome local music together, still no closer to answers but comforted just by being with each other.  I adore these people.  I miss these people.  I miss making music with these people and being a part of something with these people. 

God's plan is eluding me on this one.  This all occurred out of decisions and actions that were not God-like, so maybe this wasn't God's plan.  Maybe that's why it's been so hard for any of us to figure out.  I don't know.  I need to keep praying to see the light here because for now, I'm waiting it out in the dark.  And I don't like that. 

The second thing adding to the chaos in my head is my writing. 

Writing is as cathartic as it is oppressive.   But as I get older I'm finding out it is something I need.  So I'm making time for it whenever I can.  I have no aspirations of publication or greatness.  I'm simply trying, as a friend of mine recently suggested, to take pleasure in the fact that I'm playing with the words. 

The third mess in my mind has also been a mess on my floors and a burden on my laundry...potty training Lena. 

It's about our sixth attempt, but she's doing so well this time.  And Sam is a huge helper, cheering her on, turning on the bathroom light for her.  They are the best kids, honestly.   

So that's me this month: confused, praying, writing and urine-soaked.

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