Letting Go

Today I dropped off my third and first graders for their first day back to school. 

I asked if they wanted me to walk them to the front doors of the school, like nearly every other parent was doing, but they said no.  Which made me proud.  And a little sad.  But they have each other, feel safe together, and that's freaking awesome.  We try hard to foster and strengthen their relationship, and it's gratifying (and ok, a little heart wrenching) to see them leaning on each other instead of always on us.

So I watched as they excitedly skipped up to the front doors of the building together.  Then I drove down the road a bit, pulled over and cried.  Just a little, but it happened. Whatever. 

   

Letting go of them them a little bit at a time is so damn hard and rewarding...and hard.  

Whose Lead Do I Follow?

My devotional this morning was about how to discern that you're being led to do something by God and not your own mind.

This is a concept I have always wrestled.  With all of the decisions I make in a day, all the diverging, swerving paths there are to take in this world, how do I know where God wants me to go?

Common sense dictates that, obviously, God would never lead me to do something harmful or hateful or degrading to myself or to others - something that, as the devotional calls it, is inherently wrong.  I guess this seems obvious to some, but many "Christians" out there do God-awful things in his name.

And that must really piss him off.

Do they honestly believe that God led them to create and picket disgusting and contemptible signs at a soldier's funeral or an abortion clinic or a gay pride rally, for example?  When people are at their lowest and/or most vulnerable, they're going to spew hate at them "in God's name"?  When Jesus was on earth he walked beside us, dressed like us, suffered with us, talked to us, forgave us, loved us - prostitute and martyr alike.  What kind of Christianity are these people following?  I can only conclude that they are grossly misled and confused as to what our faith means.

Actual Christianity follows Christ and his teachings, which are above all else to love God and to love each other.

Bam!  Jesus dropped the mic on that one.

But beyond what I consider to be rational common sense, how do I distinguish what comes from me from what comes from God?

The devotional said that "the voice of God will always validate your being, affirm your belonging, and remind you of your origins."  It also requires a quiet spirit and an awareness of the now.

My old pastor, Derik, added once in a sermon that the best way of discerning God's path from our own is, when an idea surfaces in our mind, to talk to God about it and to talk to trusted friends about it.  Soon you'll feel the answer.

It has been a struggle for me to put this into practice throughout my life.  Giving up control, praying about something and handing it over to God is a tall order!

Sometimes it comes easy, like with marrying Rich and joining the church band and moving to our current home.  These big decisions were most definitely God-led.  That's not to say they weren't hard decisions (except marrying Rich - that was the easiest big decision I have ever made).  But God's presence was undeniable in each circumstance and his nudges were clearly felt and heeded.

Sometimes God nudges blindside us like a divine tackle.  Rich and I were not planning on having kids.  We thank God now that he knew better than us and that, when we weren't  listening to his whispers and nudges, he pushed us in the right direction, like a good parent should.  It was certainly an adjustment for us, but from the depths of my soul I know that our lives and the world at large are better places because our two God-pushed stinkers are in it.

Sometimes I know what the right decision is and I can feel God's whisper, but I fight it.  I remember times when I have felt the wrongness of a situation in my gut, but I haven't listened.  I have hurt people I love, hurt myself, and acted like an ass.  I could blame it on the human condition, that after so many denials of earthly things I was bound to slip up, but that's bullshit.  I was just selfish and stupid and I own that.  And I will no doubt do more selfish and stupid things as the years tick by.

But the idea I'm holding close, and the crux of this devotional today, is that I need to be more aware of God's voice.  I need to be more attuned to the feeling his whispers and nudges stir in me.  And, if I spend more time with him, I'll have a fighting chance at distinguishing his lead from my own.

That's the path toward Jesus living.

That's the path I want to travel with my family.

That's the path that, at the end of my time here, I'll hopefully have made wide enough that my kids can see it and be able to hear God's whisper to follow.

Books and the Pursuit Greatness

I've been reading a lot.

Well, actually listening a lot.  

Overdrive's library of e-audiobooks is my favorite technological discovery.  I've listened to an embarrassing number of books on Overdrive during my commutes and the brainless data entry part of my job.  To the point where I am having a hard time getting into the several hardbound books awaiting my attention on my nightstand and end tables.  (Side note: Why must I always have at least three books going at once?  It's a thing with me.  Counseling may be in order.)  

Through this period of winter reading binges, I've come to a few realizations.

Neil Gaiman is my spirit animal.  

I wish I had a British accent.

Stephen King's books, as well as his book recommendations, are unwaveringly amazing and never fail me.

It is still my favorite book of all time - the characters, story development, nostalgia, scares and weirdness speak to my soul.  But American Gods now runs a very very close second.  

I'm actually starting to enjoy biographies.  This must be a symptom of me "being in my 40's".  Great.

Another symptom of me "being in my 40's" is a heightened appreciation of and attraction to authenticity in all its forms.  I dig people brave enough to bare their souls, to be true to who God made them to be, with all their pecadillos sticking out and their freak flags flying through the waves of mainstream.

That's real.  That's life affirming.  That's greatness.

I'm tired of trying to live up to the image of my 41 year old self that my 16 year old self (who evidently had a dangerously inflated sense of reality) dreamed up.  This doesn't mean that I have given up.  I still have goals and dreams and continue to strive for them.  But I'm not a famous singer or an acclaimed writer living the fame and fortune life.  I haven't unlocked the secrets of the universe.  I'm not and never will be a size 2 or somehow miraculously continue to grow to achieve my ideal height of 5'8".  And I have not stumbled across a magic item/substance that will gift me telepathy or the ability to fly.


To my 16 year old self I say there is nothing wrong with striving for greatness.  We all should hold ourselves to a high standard and push ourselves to try harder.  But my youthful dreams of worldly greatness have been replaced by internal, soul and God-honoring greatness.

Authentic greatness.

I have moments of authentic greatness.  Like when I light up my husband's eyes.  Or when I fuel my kids' imaginations or catch glimpses of goodness in their souls.  Sometimes I write something that sparks someone.  Sometimes I sing something that moves someone.  I always listen to a friend.  And sometimes I hold my tongue against all urges to yell (this is a significant achievement of greatness for me).

When I was 16 years old I thought greatness was a sustainable degree of being that, once achieved, would remain and life would sail smoothly along.  But greatness is actually much smaller, more precise moments weaved throughout someone's life.  Good decisions made. Selfless actions given.  Using the gifts God has given only to you to make changes in the world, in one life or many, that only you can make.

This kind of greatness is internal.  It's harder and smaller in scope than you anticipate.  It's clumsy and ungraceful.  It's soul filling.

That's what makes it authentic.  

God's Mobile Bowling Alley

The kids are on spring break this week, which I have to admit is nice.  I'm over all this homework, struggling to provide proper motivation for said homework, grumpy moods from forcing said homework to be completed, running from school to school to accommodate schedules...bring on summer!

My kids are early risers.  Like 6:00 am early risers.  So it's not uncommon for them to be playing downstairs while we are still in bed.  It's also not uncommon for them to sneak candy from the candy cupboard, which they have both pinkie promised me they wouldn't do again and which they both lie through their little teeth about having done until I wave the poorly hidden candy bar wrapper in their suspicious angel faces.  Sigh.  Now I have to come up with another candy cache consequence.  Blarg.

Anyway, since there was nowhere to go this morning, I was attempting to sleep in a bit.

That's when the storm hit.

I was awake but trying hard not to be when I heard a very distant rumble of thunder.  Before the thunder had rumbled itself out, a mere seven seconds or so, my kids had raced upstairs, burst through the bedroom door and pounced on me.  Their chocolate-speckled faces (clue #1 that another candy sneaking caper had ensued) stared up at me in horror, their giant blue eyes bugged out in fear of our imminent and certain doom.  

They both snuggled tight against me under the covers and we listened to the rain fall.  We counted seconds between lightening flashes and thunder rolls.  I tried for the 2,937th time to explain how most storms aren't anything to be frightened of, especially when we're safe inside our home. How they're actually pretty cool.

They weren't buying it.

While we were huddled together under the covers, they came up with an interesting spin on the God bowling theory.  Sam thinks that God moves his bowling alley around a lot, which is why storms move around so much.  When the sky gets darker as the storm approaches, it's actually the shadow of God's bowling ball rolling down his heavenly mobile bowling alley and that giant celestial ball, of course, is what makes the thunder boom.  Lena added that the rain gets harder when the thunder gets louder because there are too many angels bowling with God and God gets sad that it's not his turn yet, so he cries harder.

I adore how their little minds see things. I adore snuggling in bed during a storm with them tight against me.  I adore hearing their wandering thoughts.  I adore that they feel safe with me and that, when I put my arms around them, everything is all right.    

Being a mom can be tough and terrifying and insane and grisly.

But most of the time, being a mom rocks.

Sam's 7th Birthday Party

Sam's actual birthday is just a few days away from Christmas, so we usually end up having his party early to accommodate holiday schedules.

We decided to go more low key this year - just his three best buddies and Lori's family at a great old timer bowling alley.  No themed snacks or handmade decorations or long guest list this year (we did, however, still make a theme cake - we can't lose all of the awesomeness).  Sam got a few gifts, including the incredible gift of bowling alley pizza and soda.  Strikes and spares and fun were had by all.

It was a great little party.

We scaled back this year for a couple of reasons.  One, obviously, is because throwing our version of the perfect all-out bash for our kids and 20 of their closest friends every year is exhausting.  I can't do it without busting out about 13 pinterest ideas - charming homemade decorations, themed foods and snacks, games, favors, presents, the I'm-not-quite-sure-how-we-pulled-that-off cake.

It makes us feel good to do that for our kids and they enjoy it.  And we'll probably do those bigger parties for milestone birthdays.  But honestly, our kids don't care if there are homemade and creatively themed snacks.  Or that we spent 5 hours sculpting tissue paper into perfectly scalloped pom poms and making tin can robot utensil holders.

The bigger reason we decided to scale back birthdays is spoilage.

There is not one good reason on earth that my kids need 20+ gifts for their birthdays!  Their toy bins are shamefully full as it is.  The days my babies were born should most certainly be celebrated, but there has to be a limit.  Because our kids are entering dangerous territory where they're starting to expect stuff instead of appreciate stuff.  And I'm not down with that.

Part of that is just human nature.  We all want to accumulate stuff, especially as kids when our worlds are infinitesimally small and the idea that there are others out there with much much different lives is inconceivable.  We try to teach this at home - they have chores and expectations and consequences, we count our blessings, we explain that there are kids out there who have nothing and no one, we're involved in church, we pray, we volunteer...they listen, but I don't know that anything sinks in.  I mean, how do you teach your kids how special and unique and loved they are without making them think they are the center of the universe?

Maybe they're just too young?  Maybe we're not consistent enough in our attempts to teach them this?  Maybe we don't incorporate this enough into our everydays?

Shaping these these little humans into good smart faithful compassionate big people is a tougher job than we ever expected.  But so worth it!  And this scaled-down but still special birthday business is hopefully another step in that direction.

Soooo, that was a very long windup to post some photos of my son's 7th birthday party, I know.  But that's how I roll.

Sammy and his buddies.

The minecraft cake.

All smiles.

They all looked so tiny out there on those sprawling lanes.

 Close game!

My best game ever...of course Rich beat me, but whatever. :)

A very happy special day to celebrate this sweet crazy boy.  

Buddy Has Landed

Buddy, our elf on the shelf, has finally arrived!

The kids searched everywhere for him this morning and just couldn't find him.  Yeah...well...that's because Rich and I completely forgot to set him out last night.

Ugh.  Parenting fail.  I'm blaming it on the fact that we're in denial that it's December already.  Yep.  That's why.

We redeemed ourselves, though.  While the kids were upstairs getting ready for school, I sneaked down to the basement, Rich told me where he had stashed Buddy and suggested a perfect place for me to put the merry little elf where the kids probably hadn't looked this morning.

Teamwork!  High five!

The kids were surprised at what they found when I told them to get their vitamins out of the cupboard.  Buddy! They pieced together a theory that Buddy was probably very hungry after his long journey to our house from the North Pole, so he busted into our Frosted Flakes and set up camp in the cozy cupboard.

They even drew some pictures for him and asked me to draw his portrait on the chalkboard.

I love how all in they are, that they don't for an instant doubt any of the magic and spirit of Christmas - Jesus and Santa and snow and trees and nativity scenes and decorations and family and friends and gift giving and getting...they love and appreciate every aspect of everything.  Experiencing Christmas through the eyes of your children and watching the joy they wallow around in all season long is one of the greatest perks of being a parent.

Now let's see if Buddy's magic can keep their joyful little bums in check this Christmas!

Lena's 5!

My sweet, spirited, stubborn, independent, smart, nurturing, funny little girl turned 5 last week. 

I can't think about it too much or I'll start crying again. 

Too late...

We celebrated her actual birthday with a few of her favorite things: First was a trip to Starbucks for chocolate milk and a scone.  Then we headed to Half Price Books where she found a couple of books she couldn't live without.  After we had browsed for awhile, she started looking for books her brother might like.  I told her that today was her special day and that I wasn't planning on buying books for Sam.  She looked down at the two books she had found for herself and said she would put one back so we could get a book for Sam too.  Well, my heart just broke for her love for her brother, so of course I got her both of her books and one for Sammy.  I love that my kids always think of each other.

 

Then I dropped her off at Rich's office for lunch and an afternoon with Daddy (while I attended her parents-only preschool orientation).  The Fashion Meets Music Festival was gearing up downtown, so there were street vendors and rides everywhere, which she thought was awesome!  I think it worked out to be a very special day for her. 



 

 

 

That night I cooked her requested meal for dinner and she opened a couple of presents.  A low key but special day. 

We talked about doing more of the low key special birthdays and less of the big 20 person parties from now on; reserving the bigger parties for milestone birthdays.  The parties are so much fun and special in their own way, but they just seem a little overkill to keep doing every year.

Let's be real...some of our motivation is selfish.  It's a lot of extra work and expense for Rich and I to throw these parties.  But most of our motivation is the expectation of excess.  It seems extreme for our kids to get so much for their birthdays when so many kids get nothing.  It seems out of balance with what we're trying to teach our kids about the world and their place in it.  We want them to know that they're special and unique and loved and cherished, especially on their birthdays.  We just think there are better ways to do that than grooming inflated expectations.

But this year was a milestone for Lena - 5 years old!!  So we had her big birthday party this weekend with her friends and family.  She chose to have another beach themed birthday party (same as last year), so out came the beach balls and limbo pole and swimming pools and hula skirts.  Good times.

 

It was storming most of the day, so the majority of this beach party was indoors.  No matter.  Rich played Marco Polo, limbo and a giant beach ball game with the kids in the basement, then upstairs for sand pudding, beachy snacks and presents.

As the party was wrapping up, the rain stopped long enough for the kids to move outside, so they got to splish splash (just like the invitation promised) after all! 

 

My sweet girl.  Slow down...it's moving too fast.

 

The Thirty Second Blessing

At church yesterday Pastor Amy preached about the dreams we have for our kids...and the worries and powerlessness we can sometimes (always) feel as parents sending them out into the world. 

Oy.

It was a very timely message since my Sam is now in school every day all day.  And my little Lena is starting her second year of preschool very soon.  I'm a neurotic worried emotional mess. 

They're happy as little clams, excited about their new adventures and showing no signs of anxiety or apprehension.  Which thrills me.  So I keep my worries to myself and, in addition to making sure they know what's expected of them, we cheer them on and make sure they feel our unconditional love and support.

But my worries remain.

Yesterday Pastor Amy offered a genius way to deal with that sense of powerlessness.  She blesses her kids each morning before they leave the house.  In the midst of their crazy morning rush, her family takes 30 seconds to be still and stand together while she puts her hands on their precious little heads and says,

"God bless your heads, your hearts and your hands today.  I love you."

Bam.  That's it.  Who doesn't have 30 seconds?

It centers everyone just for the slightest moment before everyone's days begin.  It helps us parents feel like we're doing something proactive to help our kids by asking God to bless and protect them.  And hopefully our kids become more aware of their thoughts and words and deeds on a daily basis, a gentle reminder that those things matter. 

Of course in the midst of our crazy morning rush, I forgot to bless them today...

Fail. 

But I'm integrating this into our morning routine.  It seems such a simple thing, but as it is with life, sometimes the simplest things matter the most. 

So wise, Pastor Amy.  You should preach more often!

Newton's First Law

Objects, or in our case, a family in motion stays in motion. 

 

And, man, we are motioning all over the place these days.  For instance...

 

How can tomorrow be April?

 

March blew through our house like a tempest. I turned around and, hey...wait...what...was that...?  Yes.  That was March. 

 

April will undoubtedly move faster still, with school and work and church and swim lessons and soccer and ballet and band all wrestling with our precious time.  And then there's Easter.

 

Sigh. 

 

Why all this motion? 

 

These precious days of our young kids growing and learning and experiencing and enjoying and absorbing...they are becoming blurry (and not just because my memory sucks). Time just moves too darn fast.  Add activities to the mix and, well, it just accelerates.  Because we're moving more.  And faster.  And I don't like it. 

 

We want to cultivate in our kids a love and appreciation for socializing and hobbies and sports and art and music.  And we are blessed to be able to offer them those opportunities.  But Rich and I always said we didn't want to fill every moment of our kids' days with an activity.  Because they need time, and selfishly so do we, to just...be.

 

Be.  Still.

 

 

To play, catch bugs, hop scotch, ride bikes, sing songs, fish, be goofy, read, watch movies, talk, listen, learn how to tell a good joke, truly be part of a family, foster strong friendships that will stand the test of time, acquire the skill of finding contentedness in the quiet alone times that can only be found when you're not running from one place to the next. 

 

It seems that my attempt at striking that balance resulted in an epic fail for the month of April. 

 

Oh well.  Live and learn. 

 

The kids will enjoy everything we signed them up for.  Rich and I will enjoy watching them make memories with friends and games and recitals.  The logistics may bite the big one, but hopefully we'll be able to get everybody where they're supposed to be at the right time and have fun while we're doing it. 

 

I have been told that this will only get worse as our kids get older, as they become more interested in different things.  And that's fine.  I want and will do what's best for them. 

 

And part of what's best for them is finding balance in their lives. 

 

They don't always need to be going and doing.  We get enough of that as adults when responsibilities fill up our days instead of long talks and good books and lazy warm afternoons spent with loved ones on blankets looking for animals in the clouds.