Letting Go

Today I dropped off my third and first graders for their first day back to school. 

I asked if they wanted me to walk them to the front doors of the school, like nearly every other parent was doing, but they said no.  Which made me proud.  And a little sad.  But they have each other, feel safe together, and that's freaking awesome.  We try hard to foster and strengthen their relationship, and it's gratifying (and ok, a little heart wrenching) to see them leaning on each other instead of always on us.

So I watched as they excitedly skipped up to the front doors of the building together.  Then I drove down the road a bit, pulled over and cried.  Just a little, but it happened. Whatever. 

   

Letting go of them them a little bit at a time is so damn hard and rewarding...and hard.  

The Spirituality of Marriage

I saw a Facebook picture of my parents together at the Coshocton Community Choir anniversary celebration that got me thinking of all of the dinners and lunches and concerts and birthday parties and holidays and every days that that they have shared through their 47 years of marriage.

That's right.  47 years.  

47 years together as husband and wife.  47 years as friends and confidants.


Their marriage is an extraordinary thing.  An entity unto itself that they chose to create and have worked to make fit them as individuals and as a whole.  They have sculpted it and grown into it, given to and taken from it, depended on and shared it.  It has given them strength and joy, taught them to be others-centered, and brought them endless amounts of love and laughter.

The intimacy of spending your every day with another person, allowing yourself to be completely vulnerable with them, sharing with them your insecurities and humiliations as well as your accomplishments and successes, inspiring them to be their best self and striving for that in yourself, giving them your strength and support even when there seems nothing left to give and accepting theirs when your own can't hold you together any longer, looking past their facade to love them as they truly are...

Honestly, is there anything more freeing than pure intimacy like that?

I believe that marriage is as divine a relationship as exists here on earth - the raw honest reality of who we are fully exposed and hanging out there in the wind and the other person choosing us and loving us despite it all.  It's a strange and exquisite thing that author Thomas Moore nails:

"Marriage is a spiritual act because it requires constant transcending of selfishness, a conscious decision to live a good life, and a generous spilling over of those lessons in raising children and dealing with family and neighbors.  A real marriage has its own inherent spirituality."

My parents have embodied those elements through the good, the bad and the ugly of their 47 years of every days together.  And the joy and strength they have put into and gotten from their marriage spills over onto those of us who know and love them.

Happy anniversary, Mom and Dad.

We Got the Funk

I woke up singing Uptown Funk this morning.  It must have been in this bizarre college dream I had last night, maybe during the party scene in my old church sanctuary with a couple of movie stars and some college friends I haven't seen for years?  

Regardless, with that song in embedded in my brain, I knew it would be a good day.  I mean, you can't help but dance along to this.  It's a physical and psychological impossibility.  Even though they play it to death on the radio.  Even though there have been 147 parodies.  It's just a damn fun tune. 

Before the sun came up, as I was doing my butt lifting Barre3 exercises...

This hit, that ice cold

Michelle Pfeiffer, that white gold

This one for them hood girls

Them good girls straight masterpieces

Waking up the kids with armpit tickles and ruddy cheek kisses...

Stylin, whilen, livin it up in the city

Got Chucks on with Saint Laurent

Gotta kiss myself, I'm so pretty

Packing lunches, kissing Rich in the kitchen...

I'm too hot, (hot damn)

Call the police and a fireman

I'm too hot, (hot damn)

Say my name you know who I am

Doing Sam's hair (with Sam singing the whoos)...

Girls hit your hallelujah (whoo)

Girls hit your hallelujah (whoo)

Girls hit your hallelujah (whoo)

Dancing with Lena on her bed while she got dressed...

Cause uptown funk gonna give it to you

Cause uptown funk gonna give it to you

Cause uptown funk gonna give it to you

Saturday night and we in the spot

Don't believe me just watch 

We all left with smiles on our faces (me because of the song, my family surely because I had been dancing around singing like an idiot all morning), hopeful that our days would be...

Smoother than a fresh jar of Skippy

This Family

This family Rich and I have made...

This weird, quirky, awesome family of odd, eccentric, beautiful little individuals with their own strange ideas and hearts too big to be contained...

This family of blue-eyed mischief makers and blond haired dreamers...

This family made from a love so deep that I never even thought to dream about it, with a man who lives his truth every day with quiet kindness and selflessness...

This family who hugs and kisses, fights and tantrums, watches and listens, learns and laughs, yells and forgives, loves and loves some more...

This emotional family who is making it up as we go along, side by side, hand in hand...

This family is the air in my lungs and the pulse in my veins.  I cannot believe that I get to be part of this cool little tribe and that these amazing kids call me Mom.

Me.  Mom.  That still flabbergasts me.

So on Valentine's Day (and every day that I'm paying attention), I feel wholly undeserving of the blessing each person in this family is to me.

This family Rich and I have made.  

 

Whose Lead Do I Follow?

My devotional this morning was about how to discern that you're being led to do something by God and not your own mind.

This is a concept I have always wrestled.  With all of the decisions I make in a day, all the diverging, swerving paths there are to take in this world, how do I know where God wants me to go?

Common sense dictates that, obviously, God would never lead me to do something harmful or hateful or degrading to myself or to others - something that, as the devotional calls it, is inherently wrong.  I guess this seems obvious to some, but many "Christians" out there do God-awful things in his name.

And that must really piss him off.

Do they honestly believe that God led them to create and picket disgusting and contemptible signs at a soldier's funeral or an abortion clinic or a gay pride rally, for example?  When people are at their lowest and/or most vulnerable, they're going to spew hate at them "in God's name"?  When Jesus was on earth he walked beside us, dressed like us, suffered with us, talked to us, forgave us, loved us - prostitute and martyr alike.  What kind of Christianity are these people following?  I can only conclude that they are grossly misled and confused as to what our faith means.

Actual Christianity follows Christ and his teachings, which are above all else to love God and to love each other.

Bam!  Jesus dropped the mic on that one.

But beyond what I consider to be rational common sense, how do I distinguish what comes from me from what comes from God?

The devotional said that "the voice of God will always validate your being, affirm your belonging, and remind you of your origins."  It also requires a quiet spirit and an awareness of the now.

My old pastor, Derik, added once in a sermon that the best way of discerning God's path from our own is, when an idea surfaces in our mind, to talk to God about it and to talk to trusted friends about it.  Soon you'll feel the answer.

It has been a struggle for me to put this into practice throughout my life.  Giving up control, praying about something and handing it over to God is a tall order!

Sometimes it comes easy, like with marrying Rich and joining the church band and moving to our current home.  These big decisions were most definitely God-led.  That's not to say they weren't hard decisions (except marrying Rich - that was the easiest big decision I have ever made).  But God's presence was undeniable in each circumstance and his nudges were clearly felt and heeded.

Sometimes God nudges blindside us like a divine tackle.  Rich and I were not planning on having kids.  We thank God now that he knew better than us and that, when we weren't  listening to his whispers and nudges, he pushed us in the right direction, like a good parent should.  It was certainly an adjustment for us, but from the depths of my soul I know that our lives and the world at large are better places because our two God-pushed stinkers are in it.

Sometimes I know what the right decision is and I can feel God's whisper, but I fight it.  I remember times when I have felt the wrongness of a situation in my gut, but I haven't listened.  I have hurt people I love, hurt myself, and acted like an ass.  I could blame it on the human condition, that after so many denials of earthly things I was bound to slip up, but that's bullshit.  I was just selfish and stupid and I own that.  And I will no doubt do more selfish and stupid things as the years tick by.

But the idea I'm holding close, and the crux of this devotional today, is that I need to be more aware of God's voice.  I need to be more attuned to the feeling his whispers and nudges stir in me.  And, if I spend more time with him, I'll have a fighting chance at distinguishing his lead from my own.

That's the path toward Jesus living.

That's the path I want to travel with my family.

That's the path that, at the end of my time here, I'll hopefully have made wide enough that my kids can see it and be able to hear God's whisper to follow.

Where My Treasure Is

It's June.  Wait.  What?  How did that happen?  My blog has once again fallen victim to the villainous traps of the hustle and the bustle.

Thoughts and ideas and inspirations have been stacking up in my brain lately, each waiting their turn to be organized and assembled and written down.  It looks like a midday line at the DMV up there! I have a few minutes today, so I thought it wise to get one out that has been lingering up there awhile.

Work and relationships.  

My job has always been a struggle for me.  I spent the years before we had kids loathing my position.  Commercial real estate is absurdly boring to me. And I foolishly saw my job as a partner's secretary as demeaning and beneath me as a bright, collage-educated woman.  I looked for other jobs, but none came to fruition.  I finally figured that God must want me there, so I stayed and wrestled with my pride.  I have always been grateful for the blessings my job has brought to me and to our family, but to say that it has been a lesson in humility is a grotesque understatement.

When our kids came along, everything changed.  I no longer sought purpose and self-definition from my job because I found both in the brilliant blue eyes of my babies.  Paradigm shift!  I began looking at my role at the office differently.  I saw myself as a nurturer and that spilled over into my work.  I'm good at taking care of people and now I pride myself at doing just that.  The title of secretary is no longer something I scoff at.  It's just another way to serve.

Now I don't always do it with a smile on my face.  I lament.  A lot.  Taking care of demanding grown men is much more frustrating than caring for children because these grown men have so few redeeming qualities.  :)  They don't have sweet angel faces that make you feel guilty for losing your cool.  They don't say they're sorry when they hurt your feelings or push your buttons or ask too much.

But I love them anyway.  

Because I've never accepted the "business is business" rule. My relationship with my boss is the longest and most difficult relationship I've ever had with a man.  I adore him.  He's family to me.  Over these fifteen years we've shared many personal moments, like when his father died, when my grandparents died, when he had a very scary health crisis at the office, when he's shared things with me about his family, when we've laughed so hard we've cried, to name a few.  And in these moments I have caught glimpses of him as a man.  Not the boss or the businessman or the high-powered executive, but stripped down to what we all are when the titles and wealth can't help us.

Our most humble human selves.  

It's these moments that have fostered a place in my heart for this man who I have admittedly cursed as often as I have praised.  He's a tough man to love, but I love him nonetheless.

One of the hardest things for me to reconcile is the knowledge that my feelings are not reciprocated.  I know he cares for me like a sister.  He's told me as much many times.  But I'm under no delusion that he wouldn't fire me if it were best for business.  For him ambition and business reign supreme.  It's how he lives his life.  I get that.  I in no way agree with it, but I guess that's why I'm not a powerful millionaire.


My relationships are my treasure.  

They keep me going.  The fill me up and make me whole.  They make me who I am.  Sure I would love to vacation in Scotland and Greece and Africa, to travel the world in comfort, to give my children those experiences.  But my focus is on the stripped down soul inside.  When I stand before God at the end of this journey, in the place where we can't hide behind money and beauty and titles and power, it's my love and my relationships that I will offer as evidence that maybe I understood what it was all about.  And I want my kids to learn by example that our lives and the people who are placed there are deeper and more beautiful and more important than any business deal or bank account could ever hope to be.

And maybe, when I'm in that place and God sees where my treasure truly lies, he'll overlook all of the cursing.  :)

Our Easter (and Anniversary)

We spent a beautiful weekend at my parents' house for Easter.  The weather was beautiful and the Wingers joined us on Sunday for a feast and an egg hunt and good family time.

Our schedules have been so busy with school and sports and dance and sickness and work and church that we haven't had much time to spend together.  Lori and I live 15 minutes from each other and have barely spent any time together all school year.  Another reason that I'll be happy when summer comes!  I miss my sister!

Here's the lowdown on our holiday weekend.

Dying eggs, a time honored tradition.

The Easter bunny showed up!

Posing with Papa, who was busy at church preparing and serving pancakes and sausage to the masses.  Yum.

The brood pre-hunt (including Dylan's sweet little girlfriend).

Lilly girl!

 

Cuddled up with Dad.

 

Someone else has been missing Aunt Lori too. 

Easter Sunday was also Rich and my wedding anniversary!  Twelve of the happiest years of my life have been spent as this man's wife.

Truth be told, we both forgot about it.  Lol.  Between me getting a new car and both of us preparing for Easter and everything in between, it totally slipped our minds.  No worries, though.  There is no love lost on the two of us.  As I am reminded by our friends, it's kind of disgusting how crazy Rich and I still are about each other.

We view our marriage as the foundation upon which everything else in our lives is built.  And we have learned to give it the priority it deserves.  We have our highs and lows just like every couple and have worked hard to maintain our passion through the years.  We have both made mistakes along the way (me more than him, I am certain) and will again, I have no doubt.  But we have come to realize that a marriage is a living, breathing, changing thing and, as such, is vulnerable.  So we both committed ourselves to protecting and feeding and honoring it.  It's as tough as it is rewarding.  And is not for everyone by any means.

But it works for us.  And it works very well.

The work is so important.  But I also strongly believe in love's magic and divinity and destiny.  If you know me, you know that love is pretty much my #1 thing.  A favorite pastor of mine once told me that when your marriage is going through rough times, when you're feeling far from your spouse - you both need to remember your "first works".  Which means remember what about that person made you fall for them in the first place and what about yourself made them fall for you.  (I believe that comes from Revelations in the context of straying from your faith, but it works in this context beautifully.)  I think one of the things that makes our marriage so special is that we're never very far away from those first works.  We keep them close at hand and reinvent them often, which deepens what we have.  It's easy for me because Rich is a gift and I'm reminded of that daily just by him being who he is.

Plus he's very cute.  :)

As for him...I have no idea how he does it.  I'm kind of a pain in the ass. :)

So happy Easter (and Anniversary) from this blessed pain in the rump.  I hope yours was a special as ours!

The Battle Begins

It's been over two months since I've posted, and I wasn't very diligent before that.

Oh how I loathe you, Winter.  

How you weaken my concentration, dampen my creativity, undermine my motivation...blarg.

This blog is mainly used to chronicle our lives, a family journal of sorts.  My mind is not a tight trap of memories like most people's.  I lose moments the farther I get from them, which sucks and kind of scares me.  So I use this blog as my memory, to capture all the little day to days and the big events, reviving those moments every time I read through.    

Sometimes I use this space to exercise my writing, but since I haven't been doing much but photo dumping, that's been grossly neglected too.

So I apologize to myself, my family and my few loyal followers for withholding the daily excitement of the Cole family's life and for allowing the transitory meanderings of my restless mind to wane so. Inspired by Spring's noble battle against the remains of its horrendous wintry foe, I will fight against lethargy and laziness to be more attentive to this memory bank and to let my mind to freely roam upon its pages!

Dramatic enough for you?

Aaaaaand here's the photo dump. :)

I just got back from my annual spring trip down south to see Jen.  Tara was able to come this year and it was one of the best trips ever!

Miles all cozied up to his mamma.

Warm winter hike through Inniswood.  

Lynn, our wonderful babysitter and friend, was sick for weeks with pneumonia.  So while she recovered, Rich and I juggled the kids between us.  Both of them got to come to work with me, which was actually kind of fun and which also made me realize how blessed I am to have the boss I have.  This was one of Lena's days.

Sam and I had a date night at the end of February when Rich took Lena to their first Father-Daughter dance.  Sam and I had an awesome evening with dinner at the Japanese steakhouse and a trip to the used bookstore.

My little girl looked so grown up for her special dance night with Daddy!  She picked out that dress with Lori and I, and it was perfect for her.  

Disney on Ice!

Rich and I went to see Mavis Staples and the Blind Boys of Alabama around Valentine's Day.  Fun night out.  

Sam helping Lena with her numbers.

Lena, the super crime fighter.

A visit to the Conservatory...we love that place.

Dinner with good friends and our fellas.

Much more than what is chronicled in the photo dump has occurred since January...

Dad was in the hospital from a nasty attack of diverticulitis.  He had a few complications, but is doing well now and is finally beginning to feel like himself again, thanks to good doctors, Dad's stubborn perseverance, Mom's patient loving care and lots of prayers!  

Mom and Dad both had birthdays.

Sam has been struggling with his mountain of schoolwork, focusing problems and a not so great first grade teacher.  But he is persevering, learning and growing despite of it all, so way to go Sammy!

Lori's family has been busy with baseball (Dylan got on the high school team!), other sports, schools and various viruses, as have both of our kids...ugh.  Another reason to LOATHE WINTER!  

We are all desperately cheering on Spring and craving warmer weather, open windows, bike rides and green grass.  

Come on Spring!